The Devil Inside My Mind.

On this day, I did not feel strong or beautiful. I hid myself with a baggy shirt, and hoped no one would notice how horrible I felt.

About a year ago, I sought out the counseling of a therapist and she diagnosed me with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. The diagnosis came as a relief, almost like I had a name and validation for what I’d been feeling for years. But it also made me realize just how focused I am on my own appearance and how hard it truly is to love myself. A sad little devil ruining my happiness.

I preach self love and want everyone to find it. But it’s not as easy as just saying “I love myself and my body.” Because in many senses I do! I appreciate my body for all that it does for me and I love who I am and who I’ve become. At the same time, I have a lot of issues surrounding my appearance. I pay much more attention than I’d like on the flatness of my stomach, how thin I look in the mirror, if my arms look “too fat,” if my acne is flaring, the list goes on. So much so, there are days I avoid looking in mirrors, wear baggier clothing, spend too much time looking in mirrors, pick my acne obsessively, and again the list goes on and on.

A day when I fully embraced all of me and I was able to shut my BDD away in a little box.

On days when my BDD comes out to play more than usual, it turns into something I think about constantly during the day. Which then causes stress, and when I’m stressed...I eat and have no motivation to workout. Then comes the guilt for eating too much and not exercising because I already feel gross and fat. It’s a vicious cycle. One that doesn’t flare as often as it used to. But lately, with my IBS issues, my BDD is rampant.

And now comes the question: how do I continue to love myself and preach self love when I can only focus on the so-called “flaws” in my appearance. I want to love every part of me at every time in my life. Whether I’ve gained a few pounds, lost some strength, or my acne is out of control, but how? One. Day. At. A. Time. Baby steps in the right direction, like telling myself thank you during yoga and meditation or not feeling guilty for eating a treat. And I can only hope, some day I can embrace every single tiny (or not so tiny) part of me, put my BDD in a box and shove it far far away.